Dear Mark,
These are trying times for so many people. The scourge of [insert social ill which inspired most recent mass shooting] continues to leave deep scars on the soul of our nation. As the Reverend Dr. Martin Luther King once said, [insert quote relevant to most recent mass shooting]. Here at Every Nonprofit Ever™, we are deeply committed to addressing this issue. So committed, that we’ve dedicated our lives to this cause and want to ensure the cause endures as long as we live.
That’s why I’m writing to you today. I’m asking for your help. With your support, we can continue doing absolutely nothing to solve this problem.
Our organization has existed for almost 30 years in your hometown, and you’ve never heard of us except when we’re asking you for money. The fact that you can’t point to any accomplishments from us or our partners shows how desperately we need you. The issue isn’t that we’re ineffectual and unfocused. We just need your support, so our lack of production is actually kind of your fault!
Besides, change is a slow, incremental, painstaking process. It’s not like the entire world can change in 30 years. Unless you’re talking about the internet. Or cell phones. Or streaming television. Or a global war on terror. Or any of the other clearly measurable ways life has dramatically changed since 1992.
Real change requires long term thinking- the kind of thinking that makes it so that me and my senior staff never have to consider finding a different job. We need commitment to mitigating these important issues over decades, and slow-rolling even the most obvious solutions that might make our work, and our bloated salaries, less necessary.
You can get involved too! By sitting in two-hour long meetings with no clear agenda or objective, you can share insights and experiences that will receive applause and praise from others in attendance, but will never impact policy. When you volunteer to attend our events, you’ll help bolster our numbers to present to funders who will dump money on us in perpetuity. As long as you attend, that’s the same thing as actually trying to solve the problem!
If you’re looking for a title to formalize your time-wasting status, you can become an Every Nonprofit Ever™ Evangelist. By telling people how important and crucial our work is, you’ll be leading them to an organization that can’t mobilize, train or utilize them effectively in any way. But it will look great in the Volunteer section on the fourth page of your resume.
Most importantly though, we care. Like, ALOT. We care so much that we think about how awful we are all the time, and hold discussions about our failures without developing plans to address them. But we’ll let you know all about our navel gazing in the newsletters you don’t open. Speaking of which- why don’t you open our newsletters? Don’t you CARE? Don’t you want to solve [insert mass shooting event]? Then prove it with a tax-deductible donation to us. You can rest assured knowing that you demonstrated your level of care with an organization that will not make any meaningful improvements in society.
So what are you waiting for? Break out your checkbook and help us perpetuate a system of foundations, nonprofits and the professionally aggrieved which launders money to each other nonstop. You ease your conscience, and we get paid. Change starts tomorrow, and since tomorrow is always a day away, it works out!
Sincerely,
Joe Nevereevenbeentothecitywherethenonprofitislocatedexceptforwork
Executive Director, Every Nonprofit Ever™
