Day four of my IOP is in the books. Today was just OK. Not through any fault of the program. It was my own fault. Well, not really my fault, it would be wrong to assign blame. I slept terribly last night. If I could control that, I would take the blame, but I can’t…
Day three of my IOP was today. I woke up early but really didn’t want to go. I knew I couldn’t miss a day, though. Not for such a flimsy excuse as not feeling like it. So, I went and I’m glad I went. I’m no longer the newest person in the group. I still…
Day two of my IOP was this morning. Just like yesterday, I checked in at the desk and went up to the room. Today I was the first person to arrive. It felt like a lot longer than it was before the rest of the group started trickling in. There were two people who hadn’t…
I started my intensive outpatient program (IOP) today. I walked in and checked in at the desk. They told me what room to go to and I headed up the stairs to the room. I was about ten minutes early, but there were already four or five people there when I arrived. They were all…
Recently I’ve been having suicidal ideations. It’s scared the crap out of me. I want it to stop. Since it’s not stopping, though, my therapist recommended an intensive outpatient program (IOP). I agreed. I want to document my experiences in the program. I think it will help me to make sense of what’s happening. Today…
For the first time in my life, I don’t feel safe. There have been times before when I was in danger. I’ve been in two car accidents. I’ve been in blizzards and hurricanes. But this is different. Those dangers were external. They weren’t a part of me. This feeling is internal and feels deeply personal….
I take a doctor prescribed medication for my chronic insomnia. It works, but I really don’t like taking it. If I fall asleep right after taking it, which is most nights, I don’t even notice it. But if something forces me to stay awake after I’ve taken it, I hate the way it makes me…
I’m having another depressive episode. It’s not a shock, but it is really frustrating. Objectively speaking, my life is better than it’s been in ages. I’m in what’s likely the best relationship I’ve ever had. She even understands my depression. For the first time in three years, I have a real job. Relatedly, I’m feeling…
The Winter solstice is about three weeks away. That is the darkest day of the year. According to the internet, in Connecticut, sunrise will be at 7:12 a.m. and sunset will be at 4:24 p.m. That’s nine hours and twelve minutes of daylight. Which means fourteen hours and 48 minutes of darkness. I’m looking forward…
A little more than a year ago, I wrote a post about my almost total lack of confidence. At the end of that piece, I talked about different things that I’ve tried to do to gain confidence, “I’ve tried affirmations and journaling and meditating and therapy and faking confidence. None of it seems to work.”…
