The Evil Solstice
Summer officially started today. While I know I will probably complain a lot during the next three months, I wanted to get as much out of the way as I could at the very beginning. So, let me count the ways in which summer is the worst season by far. Out of four seasons, it is clearly the 419th best.
1. This one is obvious, but summer means three months of terrible weather. It is hot and humid with a bunch of rain, thunderstorms, hurricanes and tornadoes. Oh, and destructive hail. Summer is the three month stretch without a single nice day. It’s horrible.
2. This one is also obvious, but sweating pretty much sucks. It’s tolerable if you’re playing sports or working out or something like that. But sweating while walking to the car is miserable.
3. And speaking of the car, driving is way worse in the summer than the rest of the year. I know some people will try to say that driving in winter is worse, but it isn’t. Driving in snow is pretty simple, take it slow and steady. Plus, snow is a great excuse to not drive. They cancel school and businesses close when it is too snowy. No one tells you to stay home in a severe thunderstorm even though the conditions are as bad or worse than a snow storm. Visibility is non-existent, the roads get slick and hydroplaning is always a danger. Add to that all of the roads being under construction in the summer, burning yourself on the steering wheel when you first get in the car and getting worse gas mileage from the air conditioning and summer is definitely awful for driving.
4. Summer clothes are bad from both perspectives. They just aren’t comfortable. I just can’t imagine why anyone would wear sandals or flip flops. What’s nice about always feeling like your shoes are falling off? And the rest of the seasons, clothes are comforting. In summer, it’s a constant battle between being cool and being comfortable, you can’t be both. And, once you’re naked, you can’t take anything else off, and you’re still hot. From the other side, people just don’t look as good in summer clothes. Even bikini models shouldn’t wear bikinis. As soon as they move out of that pose, it doesn’t look nice anymore. And the same thing goes for men who take their shirts off. Real people can’t spend enough time in the gym to make that look good.
5. Summer is loud. Between the air conditioners, fans, motorcycles, powerboats, construction and fireworks, everything is just louder than it needs to be. The noise leads to stress, which leads to unhappiness. A week from now, I’ll want to give a few toes in exchange for some peace and quiet.
6. Ticks. This really doesn’t need any explanation, but when was the last time you got a tick bite in winter?
7. Mosquitoes. Stupid, evil, proof that God hates us mosquitoes.
8. Summer leisure activities really aren’t fun. Picnics? There just aren’t enough bugs at a normal meal, so lets take it outside. The beach? Nothing feels worse than sand and salt making every inch of you itch.
9. The food is worse. All of the good foods need to be cooked in a kitchen, but it’s too hot to use the oven. I’m sorry, even though macaroni salad is cooler, everyone would rather eat baked macaroni and cheese.
10. I can’t stand sunscreen. It’s only slightly better than getting sunburned.
I think that’s enough for now. I’m not completely close minded. Baseball happens during the summer and that’s nice. And, it is easier to get little kids in and out of their car seats. But that’s really about all summer has going for it. That’s a terrible trade off. Anyone who is out of school and still claims to like summer is clearly delusional.