I’m having another depressive episode. It’s not a shock, but it is really frustrating. Objectively speaking, my life is better than it’s been in ages. I’m in what’s likely the best relationship I’ve ever had. She even understands my depression. For the first time in three years, I have a real job. Relatedly, I’m feeling more financially secure than I have in years. My kid is healthy and happy. Unfortunately, depression doesn’t care about the good (or the bad, really). That’s not the way it works.
I can’t help but wonder if this bout of depression is different because of the objectively good things in my life right now. It is different. Instead of not sleeping at all, I’m sleeping too much. I’ve even started taking naps. I’ve never been able to do that before, not even when I was little. Also, my usual pattern with depression is to lose my appetite. Now I’m hungry all the time.
Those are the two most obvious differences, but this episode feels different, too. That part is a lot harder to explain. I once tried to describe what depression feels like. This feels like that but different. I don’t know if something can feel dull and raw at the same time, but that’s the best way I can say it.
I have been talking to my healthcare providers about all this. We’re changing up some of my meds. I also have an appointment with my GP to see if there’s anything else wrong. I have a feeling it’s just run-of-the-mill depression though. It sucks, but I’ll come out of it eventually.