Right Now

It’s Saturday evening, around 7:30. This was the first week in a few weeks that was supposedly normal. I worked both jobs, had my kid for half the week, and had my classes. No spring break. No sick days. Just my life as it’s been for the past nine months or so. Except I’m still having trouble getting my head on straight. And right now (Do you want to know how I’m feeling right now? I probably should have started with that.) I am almost unspeakably tired. It’s not really tired, though. I couldn’t sleep if I tried. But it is exhausted. I’m almost unspeakably exhausted.

Why log in to tell you how exhausted I am? I feel compelled to. A couple weeks ago, I said I was going to talk about this. I’ve been feeling mostly useless the past few weeks, but I’ve gotten some encouraging comments as I’ve tried to articulate some mental health things, so I’ve gotta keep trying. But, again, why talk about being tired? Everyone gets tired. Basically because I don’t think everyone gets tired like this. It’s hard to explain, but I need to try.

One thing I talk about with my therapist is spoons. Neither of us know why spoons, but spoons is the common term. Imagine you start every day with a set of spoons and everything you do throughout the day costs a spoon or two. The busier you are, the more spoons you use. Most of the time, people have enough spoons to cover the whole day. But, some days are particularly busy and some days you have a smaller spoon supply. The spoons thing is a little strange, but I think that’s a concept most people can understand.

Now, lately, I’ve been waking up each morning with no spoons at all. Literally just getting out of bed costs more spoons than I have. On top of that, someone or something seems to have imposed a spoon tax on everyday activities. Things that used to cost one spoon now cost three or four. And things that used to be less than a spoon now take at least one or two. That’s probably as far as I can go with spoons.

What I’m trying to say, though, is that the easiest of daily tasks are not only difficult, they’re draining. If I brush my teeth, I need to collect myself for a few minutes before I can make my lunch which has become a full ten minute task to make a peanut butter sandwich. Any break I get during the day can’t be spent trying to catch up or get ahead. It’s spent trying to rally myself for the next seemingly impossible task. I do that for five and a half days and I’m shot for the next two at least. Then, it starts all over again and the spoon deficit is only getting worse.

It’s not just the tasks, either. Being around most other people takes so much energy it’s crazy. People require so much focus and attention. There are a few that give energy back, but those relationships are rare. So, there’s that too.

I don’t know if this gives an inkling of what I feel like right now, but I’m a few hours removed from the five and a half days. I’m going to collect as many spoons as I can over the next day and a half and see if I can muddle through next week.