Almost nine years ago, I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder. Since then, I’ve been using a combination of talk therapy and medication to try to combat the condition. I’ve had some small successes, periods where I feel better, but I always seem to fall back down. I tend to describe my depression as stubborn, although chronic is probably the more official term.
This summer, I’m going to try something new. It’s called transcranial magnetic stimulation or TMS. Basically, they put pretty powerful magnets, like MRI magnets, on my scalp and zap my brain with them. This stimulates the part of the brain that causes depression, hopefully, making it act like it should. It’s a six-week program followed by a three-week taper. It’s supposed to be 75% effective and has almost no side effects beyond temporary headaches. (There is an extremely small possibility of seizures, but my doctor says she has never witnessed one in her 10+ years of doing this.) So, the odds are in my favor. I’m sure I’ll talk about it more as I’m actually undergoing the treatment.
A couple of weeks ago, I was talking to my therapist about doing TMS, and she asked me if I had any worries. Was anything making me hesitant to do it? I said yes, of course. There’s always the fear of the unknown. And what if the headaches turn into migraines? Then an answer popped out that surprised me. What if it works? What if the TMS works and I’m not walking around with my depression anymore? What then?
That might sound like an odd worry. The whole point of the talk therapy, medication, and now the TMS is to get rid of my depression. I want to be rid of it. Why would it be a worry that it might go away?
That’s an interesting question. Nine years is a long time to have something. I’ve gotten used to being depressed. It’s become a part of me. On some level, I don’t know who I’d be without depression. It’s not like there’s a neat dividing line between the real me and the depressed me. And I can’t imagine I’d revert back to a previous version of myself. I won’t be the guy I was in my 20s and 30s before the depression hit. I’m going to be something new and that’s a little scary.
There’s also the fact that I have major depressive disorder for a reason, if that makes any sense. As far as I can tell, and as far as my therapist can tell, it started as a trauma response. I know it’s more complicated than that. There’s brain chemistry and genes and environment and all kinds of stuff that goes into depression, but the thing that kicked it all off for me was trauma. It was my brain’s way of protecting itself when it needed protection. I may not need it anymore, but the idea of letting it go is scary. What if I get hurt again?
I guess the answer to the titular question is yes. On some level, I would miss my depression if it were gone. How could I not? It’s been a big part of me for a long time, and it has been a shield when I needed one. I’m not saying that I won’t be glad to be rid of it if the TMS works. I guess no growth is possible without some sacrifice. Even though I’ll miss it, I’m willing to sacrifice my depression to see what comes next.
