I’m not having a good day. It sucks. There’s the obvious reason it sucks, you know, because I’m having a bad day. But it also sucks because I’ve started this little mental health project and I don’t want to stumble and lose all my momentum after only a few days. But I’m not capable of much today. There’s a lot that I want to write about, too. I had been thinking today I’d talk about how internalized societal norms mess with us. I want to talk about stigma. I want to talk about music and also about how mental health is depicted in media. I also want to talk about the physical manifestations of mental illness. None of that is going to happen today, though. Since I have so little to give today, I thought I’d just try to describe what today feels like. Test what I was saying yesterday. Here goes.
There aren’t any great words for it. Ugh. Hrmph. Blurg. Those are onomatopoeic attempts, but they’re not right. They could just be boredom or grumpiness, too.
One thing going on right now is I feel like I have a headache without the ache. That probably sounds weird since the ache is the defining characteristic of a headache. My head doesn’t hurt at all, but I swear I’ve got a headache. I can’t really explain it any better than that. I even took some Tylenol, but it didn’t do anything.
There’s lots and lots of negative self-talk, as they like to call it. I keep telling myself that I’m going to mess up anything I try to do. So, I don’t bother doing anything. That leads to feelings of failure and worthlessness. That’s always fun.
The sun is shining and the birds are singing. Not in a good way, though. I’m pretty sure they’re mocking me. It’s unpleasant. Too bright and too loud.
There’s a heaviness to everything. A pound easily weighs three pounds.
That’s not all of it, but it’s all I’m sharing today. There’s not much to do but take a nap. Not that I’ll sleep, probably. But if I do, maybe I’ll feel a bit better when I wake up. On the bright side, I’ve felt much worse than this. I got better then, and I will get better now. And I got something written, even if it’s pretty crappy and a bit of a cop-out. Yippee!