Ten Years Divorced

Earlier this week was the tenth anniversary of my divorce. I wasn’t going to write about it. But I was talking to my therapist about it, and she suggested that I write something down. It would help me process it, she said. She also said it would probably resonate with some people. She’s probably right. She always seems to be right about this type of stuff. Now that I’m sitting down and trying it, though, it’s making me uncomfortable.

It’s not the first time I’ve written about my divorce. I wrote about it before it was official, Last Anniversary – Nutmegger Daily. I wrote about it the day of, as a matter for fact, I Am A Grass Widower – Nutmegger Daily. I wrote about how little ceremony there was and how empty I felt. A couple days later I wrote about it again, What Am I Now? or What the Heck Is a Grass Widower? – Nutmegger Daily. This time I wrote about how I lacked the vocabulary to really tell the story. I haven’t written much about it since then, though. I even wrote a piece explaining why I don’t write about it, Why Haven’t I Written about My Divorce More? Is It Because I’m a Man? – Nutmegger Daily.

So, here I am, feeling uncomfortable and flailing around trying to write about something that I don’t really want to write about. I guess I can start with the simple fact that the divorce was for the best. The marriage wasn’t a healthy situation for me, my ex, or our kid. That didn’t stop me from feeling terrible about the divorce. I felt like a failure, like it was somehow my fault. If I’d been stronger, I could have held things together. All of that’s silly, of course. But it’s how I felt. I also felt a lot of guilt. In hindsight, I think that was more due to depression than the divorce.

The more pertinent question is how I feel about it right now, ten years later? It’s a funny question. I wasn’t feeling anything about it until the anniversary snuck up on me. Once I realized the date, though, old feelings of failure and sadness came back. They weren’t intense. More nostalgic. But they were there.

The anniversary also made me reflect on the fact that divorce is one of those big life events. It’s a little like a marriage, the birth of a child, or a global pandemic in the way it resets your reality. In a lot of ways, it’s difficult to remember what life was like before the divorce. I think there was a time when I was pretty happy-go-lucky. There were probably even times when I felt happy in my marriage. Those times are lost to me now.

I don’t know. Maybe my therapist was wrong about this one. Or at least half wrong. I guess it has helped me process my feelings a little bit, but I can’t imagine this will resonate with anyone. Why would it? I’m not even completely sure what I’m saying. All I know is ten years is a long time even though it doesn’t feel like a long time.

The anniversary of my divorce made me a bit reflective, but it’ll pass. My kid is doing well and I’m in a relationship that makes me happy. That’s where I should focus my attention going forward.